Building Internal Definitions of Self-Worth (Part II)

Soaking in some sun after an outdoor bath!

After my last post about this, a few of you asked if I would share a little more about this topic and give some more detailed examples. I will try to fulfill those requests :) Please keep in mind that I'm also still learning, and by no means consider myself to be a subject matter expert at this stage in my career.

Here goes: as we discussed in the last post, the way we choose to compliment or critique our children can shape the way they perceive their core "self". I'm sure most of you would agree that we are not defined by the clothes we wear or by our jobs or hairdos or even our thoughts. Who ARE we then? The "self" is a construct that has been defined in many ways over the years by various theorists. I believe that we all have a core existence, or "soul" that is the true self. The rest--body, mind, and certainly external objects, talents, or abilities are secondary to who we are. Thusly, if everything in your life is stripped from you, you are still you. This is true whether or not we choose to actively define ourselves this way on a regular basis.

(We get it, you've read A New Earth.  How does this apply to our kids?)

Non-directive play therapists believe that, given the proper direction, kids will naturally form this identification of an internal self worth BUT it takes some work from the parents/caregivers/therapists. Die-hard non-directive play therapists believe that you (the therapist) should not ever compliment a child's talents or abilities. If a kid paints you a picture and says, "what do you think of my painting?" you're supposed to respond by saying, "hmm...you really want to know what I  think of your painting." To which the kid will likely say, "YES. What do you think?" and you reply, "well, what do YOU think about your painting?" If the kid then says, "well, I like it." Then you say something to the effect of, "you really like your painting and you are proud of yourself."

I know. Classic therapist move right? This technique seems to really frustrate some kids who just want to know what YOU think dangit. But for many others, it gives them the chance to shrug off your opinion and own their opinion.

I know it seems weird. It's difficult for me in my training not to say, "that's AWESOME! Good for you! You did so well!" Because I love kids. I love their artwork, and their new Disney princess dress, and their ability to build a huge tower out of fake bricks.

But I believe in the process. By encouraging the child to decide what HE thinks of his art/dress/tower, you are fostering independence and a sense of mastery in the child, as well as building up this internal sense of self-worth.

You see, while it seems like the right thing to do to praise the child, we are then setting the child up to try and constantly impress us with his abilities. What if you don't make as big of a deal when he paints the next work of art? Will he think it's no good and crumple it up? Or will he say, "I like it. I'm going to hang it up".

This whole philosophy is steeped in play therapy theory, and not necessarily parenting theory. I realized that it's probably unrealistic that you would go through day after day never complimenting your child. I'm not saying that's the way. I guess I am just witnessing this process unfolding in the therapeutic setting, and I've seen how effective it is, especially for kids with low self esteem or high external demands.

Will I compliment my daughter on her masterpieces? I'm sure. I happen to think everything she says and does is absolutely profound ;) But will I think about what non-verbal messages I am sending in the verbal feedback? You betcha.

I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on this.....COMMENT! :) But regardless of what you think, I think I did an okay job explaining this topic and I am proud of myself. See, it really works! j.k.

Helping My Infant Find Internal Definitions of Self-Worth

Okay, let me first say that I have a Masters in Counseling and am currently pursuing my state licensure as well as my post-graduate play therapy certification. So my take on parenthood is slightly more...how shall I say...OBSESSIVE  than some. You know how people with parents who are therapists are usually a little different (all the analysis can be overwhelming at times for a kid or teen)? I'm trying not to be that gal. And yet, I obviously buy into the theories I work with and they have a huge impact on how I plan to raise my daughter.

One thing I think plays a huge role in raising healthy kids, is how we encourage them to define themselves. We do it all the time without much thought--"you're so pretty!" or "you are so awesome at basketball/dance/soccer" or whatever. At a very young age, kids pick up on these definitions of self, and it can create in them a sense that "self" is defined externally rather than internally. Or in other words, it enforces the idea that we are what we do/what we look like/how well we perform.

The biggest problem with that kind of enforcement, is that kids then start to seek outside sources of self-worth. Which may seem okay for a minute if your kid is the drop-dead gorgeous soccer star, but what would happen if that kid had an accident or illness that changed his looks or athletic ability? Most likely the child who identifies himself externally is going to then feel like he has lost everything. He is no longer beautiful or athletic. He is no longer himself. Or even in a less dramatic situation, if that kid is constantly seeking external affirmation of his self-worth, what happens when he gets a bad report card or becomes the victim of negative school gossip? Again, this child will feel like he is no longer valued as highly, therefore he is not worth as much.

If we instead teach our kids to find their self-worth inside and not look for it from others, we give them the gift of self-assurance. These kids know who they are and are proud of it. If someone doesn't like this kid's artwork, he shrugs and says, "well, I like it and that's really what matters". It's a slight difference in approach that can make a huge and lasting difference in self-perception from childhood to adulthood.

The thing is,  enforcing the external is so easy to accidentally do. My husband and I noticed that we were really saying a lot to Everleigh (my eleven month old daughter), "you're so pretty!" and "you're beautiful" and so on. Of course, we believe this to be true :), but we had to put ourselves in check and change our language to be more reflective of who she is, rather than what she looks like. Now, we try to say more things like, "you're so brave" or "you're so smart", or "you're proud of yourself for climbing that, aren't you?"

Hopefully by making small changes like this, we can help raise a girl who puts less stock in what everyone thinks of her and more stock in what she thinks of herself.

So, We Meet Again



Picture from scienceblogs

 I'm probably being far too candid, but I feel like sharing honestly about yourself is important for growth. This isn't a cheery post, so I apologize in advance if reading blogs is what you do to unwind at the end of the day and you're looking for a cute picture or a laugh. This post is about depression, so enter at your own risk ;)

In my 7+ year journey to become a therapist (yes, it takes forever. 4 years of undergrad followed by 3 years of full-time grad school + a state board exam + 3000 post-graduate hours + my additional play therapy certification process. What was I thinking!?), I've had lots of time for self-analysis. Plenty of "self-reflection" papers, examination of transference and counter-transference (defined by one teacher as "when you mix up a client's 'stuff' with you own 'stuff'"), and deep thinking ;) I should have it all figured out, right?

Anyone who's ever taken a psych class (or even better, a psychopathology class) has probably walked away thinking they have every mental illness in the DSM. From personality disorders, to adult ADHD, to hypochondriasis, there's something for everyone.

You start asking yourself things like: Who AM I anyways? Why am I the way that I am? Is it my parents' fault? My weird overly-religious upbringing? Does everyone feel this way? Am I a freak? etc.

Those of you who know me well know that I have done some pretty crappy things in my life--times when I've blown off friends, talked crap, cheated, lied, flashed a car (j/k). Hopefully, you also think I'm an alright gal who's just trying to do the best I can.What I have definitely learned in all my soul-searching is that I have some problems and I want to be better.

A few years ago (while in grad school), I had a bit of a breakdown. I became seriously depressed for the first time in my life. Everything was going well for me--I had a good job at a great financial company, I was attending grad school to work towards my dream job, I was living with my fiance (now husband). But I lost it. It started with anxiety. About everything. I felt anxious in school about saying the wrong thing, saying too much, not saying enough. I worried about my homework and my papers, what my teachers thought of me, if I was slacking at work, what Scott must think of me, what my friends and family were thinking. Every day was like that. I started nervously picking at the skin around my fingernails until they bled. I wasn't sleeping at night. I started gaining weight at a rapid pace (up until this time I had always been a healthy weight for my height). I cried every morning on my drive to work. I started thinking, even fantasizing about cutting myself. Things were not okay. I put off getting some much needed help for months, because I thought I could fix it on my own. I was wrong. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depression, single episode. I was placed on medication that made me black out and vomit. I called in to work a bunch.

I needed time to heal. I went to therapy, got on a much lower dose of meds, and started taking more time for myself. Eventually, under the doctor's care, I weaned myself off my medication (thank GOODNESS), and was feeling awesome. I got preganant with Ev shortly thereafter. Pregnancy was probably my happiest time. My hormones were finally right or something. I was happy. Like, right down to the core of my being in a way I had never felt before. Following Ev's birth, I was delighted to find that in the midst of her colic and difficulties and no sleep, I still felt great. Elated even. No post-partum here.

Then just within the past couple of months, I feel like it's been creeping back on. Somewhere between the lack of sleep and the zero alone time and the stress of work and full time mommyhood and the isolation of being a new mom, I started feeling that same dark anxiety. So, we meet again. Only this time, I'm better equiped to handle it and although I'd really prefer to stay med-free, I plan to explore some natural healing methods like herbs, meditation, and yoga. Same problem, different answer.

Have any of you ever been depressed? Super anxious? Anybody have good natural solutions that help them?

Sorry I've Been Away!

Stop the madness!



 This week Everleigh had her first minor baby illnesses PLUS her first baby tumbles. It's been a tough week on baby, mommy and daddy.

I got sick to my stomach big time on Monday about 3AM and puked up all the pizza I had eaten on the bathroom floor, then cried, then started cleaning it all up. Ick. The cleanup process also required a shower since I somehow managed to get it in my bangs, up my nose, down my shirt, you get the point. I've always been a wimp about puking, but you know what? In spite of all the bad ways I was feeling, my primary thought was, "I hope I can get this (and myself) cleaned up before Evie needs me! What if she starts crying and I'm all pukey?" etc. Babies really have a way of muting the selfishness in us all, and if you know me, you know that's saying a lot ;)

So by the time I was clean and the bathroom was clean and I got back to bed, fed Miss E, and so on, it was about an hour before her insanely early wake-up time. Happy Monday! Plus I had a job interview Monday--which could potentially be really great news. More on that later though. And guess what? On my way in to the interview, I locked my keys in my car. That's right. And saw myself doing it as it happened. Luckily, the security guys seemed bored and mildly attracted to me enough to come to my rescue! Did you know it's actually kind painfully easy to break into a car? Gulp.

Within the last week, Everleigh has now taken TWO spills. Her first two ever. I think she's figuring out how to squirm her way around better so look out! The first one--she was in bed with me and her papa in the early early morning and I got up to brush my teeth and try to wake myself up. She was in the middle of the bed right next to Scott. I looked over, she was fine. I looked back and she was on the floor on all fours. She cried a little and scared the crap out of me, but she seemed to be perfectly fine with no scratches, bruises, or bumps. It seriously looked like she landed like a cat. Terrible but at least she was alright. Then later this week, I came home from work to hear that she had taken another tumble. She was on the couch next to daddy, he stood up and at the exact same time, she rolled off the edge and bumped her head on the carpet. Not good. Again, she seemed perfectly OK and was laughing again in minutes. I hate to admit all this, really. We always try to look out for her safety and never leave her unattended. She's just getting too curious and too strong without the coordination part yet. So, we have had to set some new rules for ourselves about where to set her down, looking away for even a second, and so on to ensure this doesn't happen again. :( Poor kid.

OK, enough grouching. I just wanted to give you a feel for what my week has been like. After I got sick, Evie got sick with diarrhea, which seamlessly transitioned into a full blown cold. I took 2 days off work to be with my little sicky poo and worked way more at home than I ever do at work. Stay at home moms--a tip of my hat.

I even had to bring her in to my office a couple times this week, which I was worried about, but she was just glad for a change of pace so she fit right in.

Now I have to crank out a 4 page paper by midnight for my Play Therapy certification, attend an online class tomorrow morning, prep for my second job interview Monday,and maybe just maybe try to get a little sleep somewhere in there. For now, I'm nursing my pumpkin spice latte and hoping my eye makeup is convincing enough to suggest that I'm not sleepwalking :)

What this week has taught me:
*babies are really cute when they sneeze
*it's super sad to see a baby feeling under the weather
*when babies fall short distances onto carpet, they are usually OK, but it will make you feel a guilt you've never known
*being a mom is hard. being a puking mom is harder
*trying to relax and interview for a job when you've been up all night and you're stomach hurts and you're worried about your baby and your car that you just locked the keys in is not easy
*somehow you make it through and things are OK, and life keeps going
*having a baby has made my life a million times more complicated and a million times more rewarding