Why I Would Have (Probably) Been a Terrible Stay-at-Home Mom

First of all, you stay at home moms have my respect. Mad respect. You wake up every day and do like 25 jobs--often with little praise. You never get bonuses or raises for things like increasing productivity or working overtime. You are the unsung heroes. Working moms have a whole different set of battles to face--many of them emotional. We try to balance home and work, and usually feel like the work people think we're floundering because of our home-life and our kids/spouses think we're overextended because of work.

 As a child, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Always. I loved taking care of/bossing around my little sisters, babysitting, playing dolls, playing house, playing "school", I basically loved the whole concept. Except I also always wanted a career. I never thought a lot about the fact that the two don't always go beautifully hand-in-hand (something I've learned the hard way). As a young adult, I watched as several of my childhood friends married very young and on went on to become domestic goddesses. I shook my head and said "not for me". I think because my mom always worked (and worked pretty obsessively), I had that picture of family life to a certain degree. Except I was going to find that illusive balance. I was going to work just as hard as her but also be more available to my daughter. I was going to have it all ;) It sounds so easy on paper, right?

My SAHM flaws?

1). I know it's silly, but I feel a little victimized by having to clean my own house. My family growing up was messy. Like, someone might put jelly on toast and leave the jelly sitting open on the counter with the dirty knife right there kind of messy. And from the time I was about 10 years old and up, we always had a semi-regular house cleaner that helped with the upkeep. We weren't rich and didn't have a live in maid or anything...my mom just realized she wasn't very good at cleaning up after 4 girls and a sloppy husband and called in professional help. This basically taught me that cleaning was only important if you  were having company or if someone else did it for you. Living in my own place from age 19 to now has taught me better habits, but I'm still not very good with deep cleaning my kitchen or bathroom unless there's a "special occasion". And I sometimes have been known to put a knife with peanut butter on it in the sink without rinsing it off first, or folding my clothes and then throwing them in a pile in my closet. I guess you could say, I'm "closet-messy". Lucky for me, I married a guy who is more or less OCD about having everything clean, so it worked out.

2). I get bored easily. I guess this is why lots of SAHM's join play groups and take their toddlers to the baby-gym and other things. Sitting at home with a one year old gets old really fast. There. I said it. While I can throw myself into her world completely for stretches of time and play it up like the best of them, after awhile I feel that twinge of boredom setting in. Rapidly followed by guilt. I'm working on this.

3). I'm not so great at multi-tasking. Holding the crying toddler while trying to cook a nice dinner while also trying to clean as I go so the house looks nice when Scott gets home....it almost never goes as planned. I clean up the bathroom, she runs in a grabs the TP and has it all over the floor before I notice it's unusually quiet. I make the bed, she sneezes all over the sheets and then wipes her nose on my pillow. At the end of a day home with Ev alone, I usually feel just as exhausted (if not more) than I feel after a day of work. The whole sleep when baby sleeps thing sounds great, but then I wonder when am I supposed to get anything else done?

4). I like to feel the tug of a deadline, the pressure of goals. With kids, you kind of have to set that aside and just be in the moment with them. Which is awesome and probably WAY better for your mind, body and spirit. But I think I would miss the thrill of the deadline....the gratification of challenging myself to get that promotion or launch that new project and the satisfaction of actually doing it!

The truth is, I didn't really end up having a choice. For now, I have more earning potential than my husband, and therefore it's my job to keep the bills paid. And he turned out to be an amazing Stay at Home Dad: his playful nature translates into hours of imaginative play, his creativity makes him the best fort-maker, play-dough sculpture, Muno-drawing parent this side of the Mississippi. He does a great job of balancing parenting with keeping up the house and keeping from getting burned out by doing little things for himself like maximizing nap-time and listening to music he likes to keep his mood upbeat.

Yep, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Faking It

Lately I've heard a few different young professionals confess to me that sometimes, they feel a bit like they're faking it. Like they are frauds. And I could relate. Even after 4 and a half years of undergrad, 3 years of full time grad school, an additional year of specialized training in my field, and work experience to back me up, there are times I dive in to a therapy session thinking, "can I really help this person?". Then once the session gets rolling, I am able to feel the connection between myself and the client and the nerves settle back down.

But it got me thinking--don't we all feel that way sometimes? Like we're still 17 and someone just gave us a job or a kid or some other huge responsibility, and now we have to sink or swim? While parenting has always felt pretty instinctual to me, there are definitely moments where I feel like I am too young or inexperienced to possibly do this right (PS: I'm 29--not exactly a spring chicken).

I think the interesting challenging of your twenties is figuring out who you are--your values, beliefs, goals, all while pursuing career and family and chasing your passions. And then one day you look around shocked that you're an adult. A real bona fide grown up with the responsibilities to prove it.

The key is to trust yourself. Trust your abilities. And when you're feeling a little overwhelmed once in awhile, there's nothing wrong with faking it.

The Importance of Staying Connected

Last night I was having one of those nights where you feel overwhelmed by it all--the job, the baby who won't sleep, the bills, the homework, the housework. Feeling tired and lumpy and just plain mad about a zit that decided to be my cherry on top of the already crappy day.

In preparation for our move, I've been cleaning out closets, and I had a bunch of Ev's hand-me-downs to pass on to a friend, so I called her up. And you know what? Even though I miss my friends so much, it was hard for me to go. Ev was fussing in the car, and I just felt...ugly and worn out and so unlike my old self. I considered canceling because frankly, I just wasn't good company. But instead I went. I looked at baby clothes with my friend, talked about how our daughters will be friends one day and how awesome that is, spilled my guts about the bad ways I was feeling and the ways I want to be different.

And then something magical happened. She understood. When my eyes welled up, hers did too. I wasn't alone anymore. She got it. She got me. And she didn't care that I was in a slump or that I had a zit or any of it. I felt heard and validated and encouraged and refreshed. and also reminded that we, as moms, are chronic multitaskers. We give and give and do for others and, while it's cliche, we often put ourselves last. Which is good and bad. We get disconnected--first from the freewheeling friends of our early 20's with their happy hours and midnight concerts, then from equally busy mom-friends, and then from ourselves. Isolation leads to more isolation.

But leaving there last night, I felt so much healthier than when I arrived. Stimulated intellectually and challenged to exercise more, meditate daily, care for myself, and never forget the importance of staying connected.

Nap Time

Today I came home early from work and played with my girl. She had a bumpy night last night and was obviously sleepy, but was hanging on to being awake for some reason.

So as a special naptime treat, I let her watch Dora on Mommy and Daddy's bed and then snuggled her to sleep. Because the computer was still within arm's reach, I couldn't resist doing a silent photo booth with my girl!

My job has been totally stressing me out lately, and one thing I'm working on is staying in the present moment--not worrying about the past or future at any given moment. It's pretty tricky but I've found this mindfulness practice really helps me feel happier and more connected to myself, my world, and my family.

Now that the first of the month has arrived and the stress level has dropped about 50 notches, I'm so glad I got to treat myself to some quality time with my favorite person and just be in the moment breathing in her lavender-scented hair while she napped in my arms.

The Ups and Downs of (Gender)Role Reversals

For those of you regular readers, you know that my family is currently rocking out a role reversal of sorts, where my husband is a stay-at-home-dad and I work full time. "Why?" you may ask. The answer to that is basically just that with my Masters degree, I currently have more earning potential that my husband and this non-traditional flip allows him to attend school and watch Everleigh while I work. He's not laid up on the couch eating bon bons ether ;) For those of you stay-at-home moms, you KNOW that it's tough work.

Most of the time, I enjoy our arrangement. I get to spend time with Ev in the mornings, I come home for lunch every day (we live 2 blocks from my work), and when I get home she's all mine til bedtime (and usually throughout the night at least a couple times). From 8:30-noon and 1-4:30PM, I get to be a grown up and do grown up things at my job (I'm currently a wellness coach/therapist at an outpatient behavioral health agency).


The pro's:

• When I get home, the house is always clean (Scott, you are kind of OCD, but you ROCK!)
• I know my daughter is home all day with someone who loves her, plays with her, and teaches her things.
• She misses me while I'm away and is always excited when I come home. It's nice to have that :)
• It's free. Kind of. In theory.
• I get to further my career and be a grown up while still having plenty of time with my girl

The cons:

• There is literally no space in there for a break. Not to take a bath, go to the bathroom, go to happy hour, go to the CVS for a leisurely stroll. None. From the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep I am needed by my daughter or a client. Sometimes both at once.
• If I'm really honest about it, sometimes I'm envious of my husband and the time he gets to spend with Ev. I know his job is also very difficult, but the grass is always greener, right?
• Having to "ask" me for money (he doesn't really have to but usually does) and explain our arrangement to other people sometimes makes my husband feel bad. When he isn't happy, nobody's happy.
• When I have a rough day at work, I still have to muster up the energy to play with Ev until she falls asleep (sometimes at 8, sometimes at 10:30 depending on how much she fights bedtime).
•  We both feel overworked all the time. But maybe that's normal for parents? I'm new to this still.
• When my husband goes back to school later this month, he'll be pulling two 12-hour school days a week and watching her the other 3 days. I'll be working full-time and juggling her alternate care (Grandpa and a Mother's Day Out program 1 day a week), then watching her alone most nights while he's in night school. Which means we will basically have 0 time for each other.

Whenever I feel stressed about money and time and lack of energy and EVERYTHING, I always think of you amazing single moms out there. I'm really not sure how you guys do it, but hats off!

I guess I just wrote this because I know I am SO blessed to have my daughter at home with daddy full time. However, you never really hear an open honest reflection of what that's like for the working/bread-winning mom. It's great in some ways and kind of awful in others. Yes, you're working, but to your kid, you are also Mom and that doesn't go away or lessen or get easier just because you see them less. I think us 21st Century girls really bit a lot off! 

That said, I think it's great that gender roles are changing. That regardless of who works when and pays which bill, most couples are approaching child-rearing from a loving and pro-active standpoint. Everleigh thinks it's awesome that Daddy is home with her all the time. I just hope someday other people will too :)

When the Going Gets Tough...

This week I've been thinking a lot about resiliency and how important it is to practice good self care, especially when things are overwhelming.

I hate to feel like I'm a complaint machine. I really try to reframe and keep a positive outlook. I know I am blessed in so many amazing ways and I'm grateful for my life. But sometimes my small problems really seem huge.

This week my car finally decided to give up the ghost...the transmission went. It has also been air condition-less for a couple years now (because it was going to cost $850ish to replace the whole system). In light of these 2 huge issues, we decided to trade it in. The car we want is being transferred in from South Carolina and will be here next week. So in the meantime we're borrowing my mom's car and then getting a rental to get us through ($$$). The bad news is, I paid my car off last month and was SO thrilled about the prospect of having that extra money. The good news is I got a raise in June and can now afford a car (and warranty. fool me twice, shame on me), and I'm excited about driving the new (used) car around. So yay to new cars, and boo to cars crapping out on you and draining your pocketbook.

Also, Everleigh is going through a major growth spurt right now, which is awesome cause she's growing so fast, and her hair's really coming in and her teeth are popping through, and she's learning words right and left. She's also not sleeping. Like--waking every hour during the night. I've read that during growth spurts, babies will sometimes have sleep difficulties from being hungry and from all the extra brain activity. But seriously? Mommy is tired. Last night I hit a bit of a breaking point where I could tell I was going to crash. My heart slowed down and my eyes started pounding. I felt moody and exhausted. I bathed Ev and did her bedtime ritual, then called Scott in to help while I crashed out.

Sleep deprivation can make a girl crazy, and it certainly makes me less pleasant to be around. Today I feel a little more rested, and feel terrible about the moodiness I was putting out there for a few days. Ha-rumph.

Also, I feel bad about not blogging much lately and wanted to say that I plan to kick it into gear soon with fun updates and more pictures (if I can get the girl to stay still for long enough to capture anything but the top of her head while she walks away from me :)

Here's to a fresh start next week!

The World of Work

I think it's strange that the older I get (uh, I'm 28 now and aging by the day ;), the more I think about WORK. What do I really really want to do specifically? How will the jobs I take and the moves I make now get me to where I want to be in the future? What is most fulfilling to me? How do I marry doing what I love and also making enough money to be comfortable?

And so it goes. I know, boring right? But I've noticed that in my late-twenties, whenever the conversation with friends or family in a similar age group turns to work, a lot of us are asking those same questions. When did we get so old and boring anyways? j/k. Coming from the land of my early twenties, where everyone I knew (including me) was a musician/artist/writer by day and a server/bartender/other by night, this change feels pretty substantial. Now we're talking about "building resumes" and "taking this position to help propel me to my dream position" and retirement, benefits, pensions. When did we get so adult-y?

But I do think it's cool to have finally scored some meaningful work, and to have some (overpriced) education under my belt to back it up. Now I'm setting goals, which brings up even more questions!--do I want a private practice where I primarily see children and adolescents (for play therapy) but also work with families? Do I want to publish a book relating to therapy? Do I want to continue agency work and slowly transition to private practice? Will I miss working with adults?

 At this point I think my ultimate goal is to continue working for my agency until I am fully licenced and have my play therapy certification. Then to begin my private practice, which I would like to be a group practice that's a collaboration of holistic mind/body treatment. So maybe I would specialize in play therapy and creative arts therapy (like sand tray), and would also offer groups and classes like yoga, meditation practices, maybe have a nutritionist on staff. I think that would be the best representation of my work and my authentic self. Plus, I'm hoping to collaborate with friends of mine who are yoga instructors and nutritionists and amazing holistic-living individuals in the process.

And I'm inspired to see friends and family making similar moves towards snagging their dream jobs. Not just selling out and getting a sales job, but really thinking long and hard about what they want and taking steps to get there.

My birthday's coming up next month (and yes, I will be turning 29--the age I will remain for the rest of my life). And with this birthday comes a calm assurance that I'm heading in the right direction. For me. For my family. For Everleigh. And it feels awesome.

Weekend Haze

Sometimes it just seems like the weekends last forever in a sweet blur, but it's still just not quite long enough. It's a haze of hugs and sticky baby kisses, of lavender baths and playgrounds, of fresh cut grass and banana snacks, of naps and diapers, of Everleigh in blue, of Tory holding Ev in the sunshine, of my husband holding my hand while we watch our two girls, of moments where my heart feels so big I think it might explode.

This was one such weekend. And tomorrow is Monday. Better soak up the sweetness while I can!

Super Late Report: Ladies' Night Ya'll

Photo

I have a confession (gasp!). I took a night for myself and didn't blog about it (double gasp!). But I meant to. I've just been feeling a combination of sick, lazy, and busy that resulted in this undocumented alleged event.
Here goes:

A mommy friend proposed a monthly girls' night. I thought, "that sounds perfect." So when the date was set, I spread the word like mad. And you know what? Chalk it up to bad timing, but NO ONE could attend but me and the one friend who proposed the whole thing in the first place. Who knows? Maybe we smell bad or something (um, just kidding. we don't). But you know what? I went. And although it was less of a "ladies' night" and more a girl-date, it was SO NICE to take that whole night and just be me again. Not mommy-me. Just me.

Here's what we did: Jen picked me up (it was a girl-date after all), and we went to Grinders for a glass of white and some good conversation. Then, we hit up the local Kansas City Roller Warriors roller derby bout. Which was pretty awesome. We got really into that first bout and it was a nail biter for sure. If you've never gone to see live roller derby, I highly recommend it ;) I've actually had the secret dream of being a roller derby girl for years now, but the timing's never been right. It WILL happen though, so look out!

After we had our fill of chicks on roller skates and ripped up fishnets slamming into each other, we headed to the Bulldog for a nightcap and neither one of us even knew what drink to get. That's what happens when you get out of practice--be warned ;) So we ordered rum and pineapples, which were so-so and kept the conversation going.

Even though it was pretty low-key, I am dead set on making it a monthly tradition, because both Jen and I felt so relieved and grounded afterwards. Just having that time to relax and not worry that the kid is getting into the drawers, and actually connect with a fellow female without judgement, without competition. It was fabulous.

And maybe next time 1 or 2 other people will join us!

Sneaking Time

As many of you know, time becomes a precious, precious jewel when you become a mom. And while you usually want to spend all your free time with your child, there are occasions which you will wish you had just a moment for yourself. Going in the bathroom and shutting the door no longer guarantees this time. Going to bed certainly makes no promises. The commute to work might count if I lived more than 38 seconds away from my job. Sigh. I come home from work every day for lunch to nurse Ev and say hi to the hubby or grandpa (on days he's here with Ev). Frankly, there have MAYBE been a total of 3 times ever, including today, since the day she was born when I did not see her over lunch.

So today, when I found myself with a 2 hour break between clients in the middle of the day, a stone's throw away from my empty house (Everleigh's out with Grandpa today), I couldn't resist myself. I headed home giggling like a school girl. Ate my lunch, blogged and read my dashboard, flipped through some Counseling Today magazines, and (gasp) took a BUBBLE BATH. Steamy hot and as a long as I wanted, pumped and watched Dennis the Menice. It was awesome.

I spent the majority of that time eyeing Ev's toys and missing her. But I was so glad to have a little bit of ME time. After all, I deserve it :)

I still think it's funny how "wrong" it felt to sneak this time....I felt like I was in on a secret. Hooray for long lunches!

Mean Girls

I was listening yesterday to an NPR story about moms who have voluntarily given up custody of their young children, not because they were destitute or addicts, but simply because they realized motherhood was not for them. They had other goals and aspirations, and being a full-time mom did not fit into that picture. So, they opted to grant full or primary custody to the fathers. Many of these women expressed that their biggest fear in all this was what others would say or think of them.

It really got ME thinking, and my first inclination was to pass judgment. I mean, they CHOSE to have children, right? Didn't they feel the love and connection to their children that I feel for my daughter? How could they do this? And where do the children's feelings fit in this picture?

Then, my more awesome self was like, "why am I passing judgement on these women who I don't even know?" Every day fathers give up or lose custody of their children and very rarely do we judge them. Some dads probably breathe a huge sigh of relief while others might be devastated. Was I that hung up on gender role stereotypes that I wasn't thinking rationally?

I don't pretend to have the answers. I know I could never opt out of full time parenthood in order to explore more career options, have more "me" time, etc. But I don't want to be one of the mean girls either.

I guess I just thought about my initial reaction, and realized that I was one of the people they feared: a mean girl passing judgment based on what I would or would not have done.

Why are women so hard on each other anyways? Breastfeeding vs. bottle, unmedicated birth vs. epidural, sleep training vs. co-sleeping, working moms vs. stay at home moms. Can't we all just get along? Do we have to whisper about each other behind closed doors and cluck our tongues in disapproval? Aren't we all just trying to be happy and find our path? While this story presented a radical example, the core underlying factor remains true.

I guess it starts with each of us choosing to support each other through the process of womanhood and motherhood and agreeing to disagree sometimes. I guess for my part, it starts with me.

"Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends"

Our Snow Days

Everleigh on her handmade blankie--Thanks Alex!



Smiling through the binkie




Trying to get Ev by her amazing handmade "EVERLEIGH" lace thing (made by our 90 year old neighbor)




Evie's little giraffe shoes from Gymboree's sales rack :)

 While we were experiencing a thundersnow ;) mama got to stay home and play stay-at-home mom for a couple days. It was SO NICE! Makes me wish I could do it all the time. Sigh. For you stay at home moms out there, I know it's tough. It is really heard to take care of this other person day in and day out, often while putting your own needs and wants aside in favor of say, watching Maisy and reading Baby Faces for the 600th time.

However, in my case Everleigh usually wakes up in an awesome mood and stays happy and playful all day until around 5-6PM. Then she gets fussy, sleepy, whiney, needy. She wants held and rocked and snuggled. These are all things I love anyways, BUT...it's sometimes tough to find the energy to do all these things after working 8 hours. Maybe I want to sit and eat dinner. No way. Maybe I want to take a bath or have a glass of wine and veg out and watch 30 Rock or something. Forget it. I basically end up working the day shift at my job and the night shift at home Monday through Friday.

So you can see how I would be so happy to have almost 2 full days with my girl, at her favorite time of day! Here's what we did Wednesday:

• Woke up with Evie around 7AM and went in to see Scott (in the bedroom) and change her diaper.
• Cuddled until about 8 when Scott had to go outside and get to snowblowing the massive driveway.
• While he was gone, I dyed my hair (whew! i feel way better now), and sang and danced around with Ev to an oldies station.
• Then we made daddy some hot tea (Oriental Spice from Tea Drops..his favorite!) and played until he made it in from the cold.
• We watched Maisy and Boo (Ev's favorites) and read some books.
• Then we made BLT's (yum yum) and enjoyed them thoroughly while Everleigh ate some applesauce and chicken and gravy baby food (which I tried and thought was nasty).
• Then Scott had to brave the cold again to buy some salt stuff for the sidewalks. Ev and I stayed in and did a mini photo session (although she didn't really want to coorperate).
• Evie took a nap and I painted my nails a light matte greenish-aqua color
• When Scott returned, we all played together some more. Scott and I played a few songs for Ev on guitar, which she loves. Then he went back out to snow blow some more and salt everything (I'm telling you--it was a thundersnow people!)
• I took a bath with Ev in her doorway jumper thing using my Philosophy Cherry bath stuff. Mmmm.
• Scott returned and he and I ate dinner in shifts and played with our girl until it was her bathtime
• Mommy bathed Ev, lotioned her up with lavender, put on her Hug Me jammies, and nursed her to sleep. Then mommy and daddy fell asleep on the couch too with big big smiles on our faces.

Hold On To Your Hats



Really awesome picture of a ThunderSnow taken by PaleMaleIrregulars

 We're now experiencing every local weather man's wet dream: what they've dubbed a "thunder snow". Can you feel the fear people!!!??!!! Thunder and snow. Thundersnow. It sounds like a B movie from the early 90's.

But it's true. It's windy and snowy and apparently supposed to just open up and let us have it later today. FYI--Missourians may be a lot of things but we are NOT good at driving in snow. They're calling for up to 10 inches over the next 2 days so everyone's pretty much freaking out. All school's are canceled. All government offices are closed. The grocery stores are full of people duking it out for the last pack of bottled water, etc.

I, however, am at work. Can you believe it? But not for long. Plus I live a few blocks from work so it's no biggie. I got up early this morning (thanks Everleigh!) and went to the3 grocery store to stock up on the essentials: diapers, wipes, frozen pizzas, chips and cheese dip, beer, and stuff to make BLT's (don't judge me--I bought lettuce and tomatoes). Then I headed in to work. I have no real work to do today since no clients want to deal with trying to come in, but they told us yesterday we better try to get here, so here I am.

I plan to leave before noon and head home to snuggle with my girl. Maybe we'll play dress up and have a photo session :)

Hope you all are snuggling with the ones you love today. Peace out! Don't let the thundersnow get you!

E

It's Raining, I'm Falling

For those of you who are currently experiencing jacket weather or better, I hate you. No wait, I didn't mean that--I'm jealous of you. Want to swap houses for a month or two?

Because it is not raining men here today in old Kansas City, it's raining ICE. After getting up this morning with baby E, actually doing my hair and makeup (wow!) and slipping into some new "business casual" work duds, I kissed my baby and hubby goodbye, grabbed my coat and my gigantic bag lady purse, and set off. Have I mentioned before that I live 4 blocks from work? Don't judge me ;) I walk when it's nice out. But today my friends, it is the opposite of nice out.

While pulling my car out of the driveway, I realized that I couldn't stop at the bottom of the drive and almost hit another car that was driving extra slow. Then I remembered that my actual wallet and such was still in the diaper bag inside the house. So I pulled around up front, got out, and slid right onto my bum. It was like ice-skating!

Whew! So I got my wallet clutch thing, said goodbye AGAIN, and left. Now I'm here and no one else is at work because it's a wreck waiting to happen out there. Think I'll do a little work, then go get a steaming hot mocha before returning home early to play with Everleigh and nurse my sore tush and my bruised pride :)

But look at what I get to go home to.....

Not so bad when you put it like that :)

A Case of the Mondays

Two Monday's ago, my little fam took our first mini-baby-road-trip (only 2 and a half hours away) to a small town in southern MO so mama could work. While I knew from the onset that this would likely NOT be the most amazing, exotic vacay of all time, I also had high hopes that it would be a fun little family get-away.

Miss Everleigh Harper was an absolute doll in the car, which was a blessing since she usually hates car rides, and that's about where the good time ended. It started pouring rain--like the heavens opened and dumped the motherload-- kind of rain. We had to pull over at one point cause we couldn't see and there were semi's all over the road. Ev thought it was neat.

So I got to my work site late (a small University campus), while daddy and Evie hit the hotel room. I was trying to shake off the rough start and get into the groove of my event, when I discovered one of my "patients" (an actor) for the event was sick in real life and wouldn't be able to work. This happens sometimes, but not usually when we're out of town. So I was scrambling. Also, Ev was scared by her new environment and lack of ME, and was crying and basically had to be walked in circles around the small hotel room to stay calm. So if I could get the chance to get away and pop in at the hotel, that would be great...

On my way back to the work site, I apparently left my car in neutral, and it started slowly rolling down the parking lot as I crossed the street. The lunch sandwich I got had some weird sauce on it (sweet and sour on roast beef?) and tasted terrible. My cell phone started dying and I realized I had forgotten the charger at home. It was one of THOSE days.

But you know what? I still had fun swimming in the hotel pool with my little girly and tickling her on the bed, bathing her in the tub and snuggling her to sleep.

And I realized how absolutely happy I am to be a mom. Without her, my trip would have been an absolute bust, but instead it was a mostly-bad but also kind of special time.

It also made me really excited about quitting my job, and starting in a new position IN MY FIELD!!! I received an offer the day before Thanksgiving to go work for a behavioral health facility in town, where I will start as a case manager while I work on my licence, with the opportunity to become a full-fledged therapist there within a year or so. This is so awesome, because it's really my passion to work in a thrapeutic setting and I'm so happy to be getting one step closer to my career goals. Next step? Finish my Play Therapy Certification, get my LPC licence, start a private practice, become a consultant, teach at a University, write a book, have more time to spend with my family while making bank. A girl can dream right?

I Get It

In adjusting to my new role as mom, I've felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation for my own mother and everything she did for me and my sisters growing up. It's a bit sappy, but I just felt compelled to reflect on the some of the ways motherhood has changed my own perspective of my mom.

As a child growing up, mom was always there. Mostly. Except when she wasn't. See, she somehow managed to work full time as an RN, raise 4 daughters, and also serve as a nurse in the army reserves. This was quite the balancing act I'm sure. When I was 8 (and my sisters were 9, 6, and 4 respectively), my mother was called to active duty and sent to Saudi Arabia. She was gone for about 8 months total, which for a child is pretty much forever. My parents explained to us the best they could about WHY mommy had to leave and so on, but still--it was tough. My dad became responsible for a number of things I'm sure he never anticipated: picking out our outfits, fixing our hair, buying my big sister her first training bra. He also worked full time and was taking night classes to get his MBA, so we spent a lot of time with grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, and my parent's friends.

I'm not going to lie--we all felt a little abandoned. I cannot imagine the tears my mom cried over the whole thing or way my dad must have felt. It burned a lasting feeling into all of us that people we love can go away. Upon my mom's return, I remember her crying about how much we'd all changed--we were so tall!, my youngest sister was in glasses now, etc. This was before the days of Skype. We literally had not seen our mother in months. We had very few opportunities to talk to her. Looking back, we probably made her feel worse when she got back the way kids do sometimes, by giving her the cold shoulder or bringing it up a lot. I'm sorry mom.

The year she got back, she also had a surprise pregnancy! Our whole family was super excited (especially when we learned it was another girl!). I have a hard time remembering my mom being pregnant and I'm not sure why. Maybe I was too into my own stuff at the time? Maybe she did such an awesome job of keeping up with us and the house and her job that it never occurred to me that she would need more sleep, less stress, and more help while pregnant. Or maybe it's because every picture of that pregnancy has probably been thrown away or tucked away in a secret box somewhere. Who knows.

My youngest sister, Johnna Suzanne was born in February 1992. When my mom went into labor, my sisters and I were sent off to grandma's in our jammies, knowing by the time we woke up we'd be big sisters! Something didn't go right. Time stretched on. We heard hushed phone calls between my grandma and parents. We weren't told anything. Finally, grandma let us know that our sister had been born but she had some complications and that later on my dad would come get us.

My dad explained to us that Johnna had a heart problem (which I now know was a pretty rare condition called Tetralogy of Fallot) and that she had been transferred to a special hospital for children. We couldn't hold her because she was in the NICU. It was scary and sad. Eventually, she was sent home with us and my parents were told that she would likely not live long. She lived 2 weeks and died in my parents' arms at the hospital after struggling to breathe. We were at school and never got to really say goodbye. Later reports surfaced that many men and women who served in Desert Storm went on to have children with a variety of birth deffects, including a higher than normal rate of Tetralogy of Fallot, which served as an additional painful blow.

After that, my mom was never the same. I can't begin to speculate on how she felt. I can only say that I now understand the fear and grief I feel at the mere thought of losing my child. I understand the joys (and struggles) of pregnancy and childbirth. The absolute love you feel for your child when she's born and the physical exhaustion and hormonal high that follows.

I understand why you might burn the candle at both ends so you can spend time with your children while also trying to make more money to hopefully give them a better life. I understand the pain of leaving your child to go to work--the worries that something will happen to them when you're not there, the guilt in knowing they'll miss you. I can better understand why you might occasionally snap when your child is kicking your seat and you've asked them to stop and you've only had 3 hours of sleep and you know you'll only get 3 hours again tonight. I understand that all the trips to the zoo and the amusement park, the camping adventures and road trips were for US. That my parents probably worked all year and saved money to try and do nice things for us (Mom, I'm sorry for all the backseat fighting and the "she's touching me"s and the "are we there yet"s). I understabd that the fear of not having enough for your child can drive you to do just about anything, including going to Saudi Arabia to live in a giant tent and take 2 minute showers every other day and miss your kids and your husband like crazy.

I get it now, Mom. And I want you to know that while I didn't always agree 100% with your choices, I now understand. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift you could have ever given me--I can only hope to be as strong, gracious, and loving a mother as you.

Mr. Mom and the Stay-At-Home Dads

The phenomena of the Stay-At-Home-Dad was captured in the 1983 film, "Mr. Mom" as a father loses his high paying job and then struggles to fill his wife's shoes when she receives a job offer and returns to work. While it's a cute depiction of how the typical man might feel being "stuck at home" with the kids, it's funny how in the end the dad gets his job back and returns to work having learned his lesson about appreciating his wife and kids more, etc.

But what about REAL stay at home dads? What is their often untold experience? How do they really feel about their wives paying the bills, about telling others in public what they do, about forming an extra special close bond with baby that most dads miss out on?

I don't know all the answers to these questions. But I can you my experience as the wife of a stay at home dad.

When my husband and I decided to try for a little bambino, we thought it would take awhile to get pregnant, then awhile to grow this little bean in my belly, and that our circumstances would likely change many times between then and when baby was born. When I got pregnant, my husband and I were both full time students, and I was also working full time. We envisioned that I would graduate with my MA, step into a sweet new job, and that my hubby would keep on going with school (while working part-time) and then graduate a couple years later, get a great job, make bank, and we would be doing awesome. At that point, I could be a stay at home mom if we wanted or see how things shook out.

Reality check? My hubby looked for part time work the whole time I was pregnant and couldn't find jack. I didn't get the raise I was up for, and after graduation I couldn't find a job in my field. i still haven't received so much as an interview from one of the 20+ applications/resume's I've sent out. My maternity leave was super short and primarily unpaid, and I headed back to work exhausted and poor. Then 3 weeks later, my husband's classes started again at school.

I know he's had mixed feelings off an on about our situation. He thinks it's awesome that he gets to spend more time with our girl than your average daddy, and hopes that connection with create the foundation for an amazingly tight lifelong bond. However, I think he struggles with sometimes asking me for beer money or checking with me before he signs on to participate in an opportunity at school that would interfere with the baby's schedule/my work schedule.

On my end, I've struggled with being jealous that my husband gets to spend so much of this critical time with our little one while I'm slugging it out at my less-than-thrilling job for which I am brutally underpaid. I get a little miffed when I return from a day at work to a crying baby (evenings are still kind of "melt-down" time for her) and don't get to eat dinner until she's asleep at 8. It's tough for sure and mommy-burnout is common for new moms but i think especially for working moms and maybe even more so for bread-winning working moms.

But you know what? I'm still so happy that I have an amazing and talented husband who loved me enough to A) have a child with me even though he wasn't 100% sure/on-board at first and B) loves her so much and has enough scheduling flexibility to watch her most days while I work. The way he engages with her is so incredible to watch. He really tries to get to know her as a person, and the way her eyes light up when he's around is worth all the money in the world.

Maybe some day we'll strike it rich, or at least score the jobs we want and so on. Until then, I love my stay-at-home husband!