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In my 7+ year journey to become a therapist (yes, it takes forever. 4 years of undergrad followed by 3 years of full-time grad school + a state board exam + 3000 post-graduate hours + my additional play therapy certification process. What was I thinking!?), I've had lots of time for self-analysis. Plenty of "self-reflection" papers, examination of transference and counter-transference (defined by one teacher as "when you mix up a client's 'stuff' with you own 'stuff'"), and deep thinking ;) I should have it all figured out, right?
Anyone who's ever taken a psych class (or even better, a psychopathology class) has probably walked away thinking they have every mental illness in the DSM. From personality disorders, to adult ADHD, to hypochondriasis, there's something for everyone.
You start asking yourself things like: Who AM I anyways? Why am I the way that I am? Is it my parents' fault? My weird overly-religious upbringing? Does everyone feel this way? Am I a freak? etc.
Those of you who know me well know that I have done some pretty crappy things in my life--times when I've blown off friends, talked crap, cheated, lied, flashed a car (j/k). Hopefully, you also think I'm an alright gal who's just trying to do the best I can.What I have definitely learned in all my soul-searching is that I have some problems and I want to be better.
A few years ago (while in grad school), I had a bit of a breakdown. I became seriously depressed for the first time in my life. Everything was going well for me--I had a good job at a great financial company, I was attending grad school to work towards my dream job, I was living with my fiance (now husband). But I lost it. It started with anxiety. About everything. I felt anxious in school about saying the wrong thing, saying too much, not saying enough. I worried about my homework and my papers, what my teachers thought of me, if I was slacking at work, what Scott must think of me, what my friends and family were thinking. Every day was like that. I started nervously picking at the skin around my fingernails until they bled. I wasn't sleeping at night. I started gaining weight at a rapid pace (up until this time I had always been a healthy weight for my height). I cried every morning on my drive to work. I started thinking, even fantasizing about cutting myself. Things were not okay. I put off getting some much needed help for months, because I thought I could fix it on my own. I was wrong. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depression, single episode. I was placed on medication that made me black out and vomit. I called in to work a bunch.
I needed time to heal. I went to therapy, got on a much lower dose of meds, and started taking more time for myself. Eventually, under the doctor's care, I weaned myself off my medication (thank GOODNESS), and was feeling awesome. I got preganant with Ev shortly thereafter. Pregnancy was probably my happiest time. My hormones were finally right or something. I was happy. Like, right down to the core of my being in a way I had never felt before. Following Ev's birth, I was delighted to find that in the midst of her colic and difficulties and no sleep, I still felt great. Elated even. No post-partum here.
Then just within the past couple of months, I feel like it's been creeping back on. Somewhere between the lack of sleep and the zero alone time and the stress of work and full time mommyhood and the isolation of being a new mom, I started feeling that same dark anxiety. So, we meet again. Only this time, I'm better equiped to handle it and although I'd really prefer to stay med-free, I plan to explore some natural healing methods like herbs, meditation, and yoga. Same problem, different answer.
Have any of you ever been depressed? Super anxious? Anybody have good natural solutions that help them?
6 comments:
I was never diagnosed or even sought diagnosis, but holy shit, that first year after Aiman's birth was TOUGH. And tought for all the same reasons you stated -zero alone time, new motherhood isolation/experiences, school, work, marriage, family ETC forever.
I don't know of any natural remedies, but the ones you mentioned seem like good places to start. For me, I made huge improvements in my moods and perspective and general functionings when I sought therapy and actually got some sleep. I stayed away from caffiene (still do mostly), get some actual sleep and talked with a therapist every week to two weeks. I still feel like my therapist was a huge postitive influence, but then again, I mostly needed someone completely unrelated to me or my life to confront some serious issues I was having, so again, I completely loved going to therapy.
I know it's so much easier said than done, but I really implore you to get some time to yourself. As wonderful as motherhood can be (and especially considering you feel great considering the challenges it brings), there's nothing like taking an honest to goodness break from it all. I'm Scott is more than willing to give you your time.
I'm so glad you have a stronghold on how to approach the dark, crazy times again. I think that's a huge sign of being on the right track.
If you ever need to talk, hit me up anytime.
I was never diagnosed or even sought diagnosis, but holy shit, that first year after Aiman's birth was TOUGH. And tought for all the same reasons you stated -zero alone time, new motherhood isolation/experiences, school, work, marriage, family ETC forever.
I don't know of any natural remedies, but the ones you mentioned seem like good places to start. For me, I made huge improvements in my moods and perspective and general functionings when I sought therapy and actually got some sleep. I stayed away from caffiene (still do mostly), get some actual sleep and talked with a therapist every week to two weeks. I still feel like my therapist was a huge postitive influence, but then again, I mostly needed someone completely unrelated to me or my life to confront some serious issues I was having, so again, I completely loved going to therapy.
I know it's so much easier said than done, but I really implore you to get some time to yourself. As wonderful as motherhood can be (and especially considering you feel great considering the challenges it brings), there's nothing like taking an honest to goodness break from it all. I'm Scott is more than willing to give you your time.
I'm so glad you have a stronghold on how to approach the dark, crazy times again. I think that's a huge sign of being on the right track.
If you ever need to talk, hit me up anytime.
Schedule some alone time! Even locking yourself in your bedroom with a book for an hour. Also, I'm a huge fan of Xanax - that's natural right?
lol. Love you Rach
thanks Amira and thanks for charing about your experiences. It's always good to know you're not alone.
I'm with Amaria. I never sought help but the year after Connor was born was so tough. I probably at the very least had PPA. I didn't leave my house alone for almost the first year, I would break down and cry for no reason.. sometimes for hours. I yelled a lot, I was always in my room if Mike was home ect. I blew people off, avoided social situations.. okay maybe it was PPD. :) I didn't have any of these issues when Ellie was born. His birth was so much more traumatic and the situation surrounding what happened to him I placed a lot of blame on myself.
I wish I had gotten some treatment. Every once in awhile I feel like it creeps back up on me. I'm like you, not a huge fan of the meds. And I felt like (maybe stupidly) if I got on meds I'd be an empty shell of a person who was blacking out all the time. I know they don't all do that but I always think of the worst possible scenario. I don't know any major natural remedies but I like to take a walk or try to get in the sunshine. i feel like that makes a world of difference. The alone time helps too. That is one of the main reasons I go to my Zumba classes. I'm home all day though so I need to get out. I understand not wanting to be gone from your baby anymore than you are. :)
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