Monday, July 26, 2010

Hippie Friends

I had a weird childhood. I was homeschooled until I was 10, then attended rigidly religious private school until my sophmore year of college. In that time I went from socially awkward to rebel to homebody. And somehow along the way I made friends with a whole subset of upper middle class neo hippies. I love my friends and their vegan diets, public displays of bare feet, half-baked political views and jam band tendancies. What I love most about them is their idea of love and money and freedom. The fact that most of them went to college to obtain degrees they will shelve in favor of hawking homemade jewelry, working at essential oil stores, or making scarves. They could make money doing something boring but they opt for enough to pay the rent with spare change for pot and miller high life in order to hold on to their freedom. It's super admirable and sometimes I wish I had just a little bit more of that hippie spirit.

But you know what? While I love that philosophy in theory, I struggle to let go completely. I can't help it. When I dream of the perfect life, I dream of simplicity, of the ocean, tall grass and wildflowers and laughing with my child. But I usually have shoes on. And the soundtrack is more hipster than hippie. And while I love the thought of not caring about money, it totally stresses me out if I can't pay my bills.

Is there a way for me to find beauty an happiness and peace in moderation? Can I keep one foot in the office and the other on the stage?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


So first off you should know that I never fancied myself as someone who would have a blog. And yet, the more I explore the exciting new world of mommyhood, the more I find myself drawn to, even captivated by the blogs of other like-minded chicas. I find myself feeling connected to amazing women I've never met, and suddenly I'm inspired to cast my thoughts out into the vast reaches if only to feel like my voice is blending with theirs.

Here goes: I'm 28 and I just gave birth 6 weeks ago to my first (and likely only) child. I'm still in a daze about the whole thing and it still takes me about 3 hours to prep for a 45 minute trip to the store with baby Everleigh. We're both figuring it out as we go. Though I am many things, right now I feel like "mommy" is my #1 function. I guess one of my biggets fears is that I will get so caught up in diapers and breastfeeding and the like that I will lose my own sense of uniqueness. When I reflect on my own mother, it's hard to describe what's she's really like without simply describing her career or her role as a mother. I truly never got a sense of who she was when she wasn't being "mom". What does she like? What are her fears? What does she think about for goodness sake? This scares me. Maybe she was really cool once. Maybe not. I've seen old pictures where she looked like a flower child, though she wouldn't indulge me when I asked her about it. I may never know who this woman really is, because it seems that she shed the "me" hat when she became a mom.

Now, I'm trying to figure out how to be the kind of mom I want to be, which I strongly believe is best accomplished if I am able to be completely me instead of generic-mom. This blog is my exploration of myself.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Dear Everleigh (1 Month!)

Dear Everleigh,

Today you are one month old. I never thought I could love someone as totally and completely as I love you. I am exhausted most of the time, and yet I cannot take my eyes off of you. I stay up sometimes when I should be sleeping just to stare at you. It's never enough. You are perfect in every way--even in the ways you're not ;)

You were born with a little fuzzy head and have slowly lost the front-top section but kept the rest. This makes you look like an adorable little balding man and I think it's just the best. Your Daddy says this is good, because you don't want to peak too soon in your good looks anyways. We both know you're going to be okay (I mean--look how great looking we are!). All joking aside, you are magnificent.

You always smell like a baby, which is an absolutely intoxicating smell. You're so soft and tiny and your eyes are so piercing and blue. The day after you were born, your pediatrician (Dr. Tenney) came in to look at you and stated, "she is SO aware!". And it's true. You're always looking, searching. You seem like an old soul.

As for me and Daddy, we're smitten. Tired, kind of overwhelmed and blown away, but smitten nonetheless. You've changed the way we look at ourselves and each other and the world. You are amazing.

All my love,