Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Curse of Creativity

Any of you who are creative, or have creative loved ones probably know what I'm talking about. There are good weeks and bad. Times when it feels like a blessing and times when it feels like a curse.

I guess I consider myself to be creative, primarily because I have a passion for music (writing, singing, playing, listening, watching, everything). Plus I've always felt sort of weird/different from other people, which I think tends to be an underlying theme for creative peeps everywhere.

Being weird only becomes cool when you hit about 16 and figure out that there are hair cuts and outfits that can help facilitate your weirdness into coolness, and other large groups of people who are also, quote "weird", and some of those people are people you think are amazing. I took my teenage weirdness and poured it into wearing adventurous clothing, writing music, and obsessing over all things "underground". I no longer have the time or the desire to spend hours researching new hipper, less-heard-of bands, or to hit up 6 thrift stores in a day looking for my next vintage find or old prom dress to cut up.

But I DO sometimes wish I had time to write more, to read more, to play more music, to PERFORM (have I mentioned that I pretty much adore performing?). Between work, school, and being a mommy, I really have negative time left to devote to this right now. My recent run- in with a new potential band-mate led to a "discussion" by my husband and I, in which he basically reminded me that I chose mommyhood as my permanent extracurricular for the next several years. That I might really not have 2 extra hours a week to do something new musically until Evie's older. That I should understand this and accept it and not be frustrated by it, because you can't always have it all. Don't get me wrong--I would trade all the music in the world for my beautiful, healthy baby girl any day of the week. I'm just struggling to find that balance still as an artist.

My husband, Scott, is a painter and also a musician, and it's an ongoing struggle for him to be super dad and still find the time needed to be a productive artist. Most days, it results in us high-fiving each other as we tag the other one in. He watches the baby while I work. I come home for lunch every day to feed her while he showers or tidies up the house. I go back to work. When I get home, I watch Ev and he leaves to go to his studio and paint, do homework, or work his part time night job. He spend his days with Everleigh, while I spend my nights with her. On weekends, I either have class (in which case he watches her) or I don't (in which case I watch her and he tries to play catch-up on his homework and paintings). While we do spend some happy, lazy evenings together as family, it seems like more often than not we're parenting relay style.

What's the solution? Some day I will finish my Play Therapy Certification and he will complete his degree. Life will be less complicated. But there will always be work and there will always be this energy that drives us to create. And babies only stay little for a split second.

For now, I guess I'll try to focus that energy into my most amazing creation to date.

PS: Just as I finished writing this, I received a text from Scott that made my eyes well up: "Ev and I are having a good afternoon so why don't you take some grown up time for yourself when you get off work? Luv!" Man, I'm lucky.

1 comment:

Amira said...

If only this post had a "love" button for me to click.

Sigh. I can relate, although not so much in the creative light, but more of schooling. Never ending schooling, which Saad and I both love, but we made the decision to start a family while we were younger even if it meant while being in school. School will be a part of our lives for many years to come, so there was never going to be an ideal time, anyway.

But you know, I tend to like to have some of everything, even if it's way less than I'd prefer, than none of something. Does that makes sense? Eventually, Ev will be more independent and you'll be able to squeeze in creative projects.

The very last sentence of your post, before the PS, is my favorite. :)